How I Reinvented Bodybuilding
I knew bodybuilding was sus, and needed investigation, the day I heard some flimsy bodybuilder say: âYou canât do what I do.â
I heard that one before when teachers told me I was dumb, and graded me down for copying homework, that I programmed myself.
The thing that sealed the deal, was some knuckle dragging knuckle head, pronouncing the words âsuperior geneticsâ.
And to add insult to injury, a wise trainer came on, showed a dumb ass exercise, and said this will fill in your shoulders nicely.
Last time I saw such a parade of fools, was at the High School faculty lounge.
Let me tell you something, when you canât hear them, the adults talk about how they donât feel like grownups.
And they are right, aging just makes a person look older, it has negligible impact on their wisdom and greatness.
So, it begun, the day I was told my accent was too heavy, and that the customers could not understand what I was saying.
It turned out, it wasnât my accent, it is just that the customer was confused, they didnât know why FTP was important for their website.
I went home, tired of muppets, who thought and I quote âI didnât know anythingâ, where I was a nice programmer, they just didnât know what that even was.
I liked smallville, I bought some DVDs and you know the storyline deteriorated, goodness forbids a work of fiction could inspire.
Lets all just get uneasy, with a crap story line about, about bad boys and self censored mockingbirds.
(Sorry Ms. Haper, but when you have an opportunity to change the world, you take that opportunity, and you do not mince words, instead say it like it is)
As the final episode on the last disc I care to purchase, played the pretty song.
I grabbed my leather jacket and went for a run, first to a nearby city, and then into the boonies and sticks, letter jacket in hand.
Let me tell you something, you have never know the magnificent taste of an ice cube.
You need to run until all you can do is crawl, and then pop an ice cube in your your mouth, what a reward that is.
When I healed up, I gon did it again, this time, I thought I ruined my feet pretty bad, like 91run bad.
When I stopped my 8 hour 18.7 mile shuffle an unlaced my shoes, nothing, my feet ticked me, because I was new.
Having stopped, I could barely walk, I wish I knew to keep on going, I could do a marathon in 12 hours.
Another job started, they told me to use CSS with IE 5, I showed them pixel perfect cross browser tables, but they didnât want tables.
Some dumbo, just to sound smart told them the new hire should just use CSS, to this day, everyone serious uses CSS frameworks for layout.
And I had to change, they sent be back home to put on a suit, I loved my suit too much, I would never wear it to an office again.
So I quit, over goth pants, that made students from distant lands, apparently, woinder if I was a Cuban Dancer.
Let me, say this, you change, when someone walks up to you, and in a normal tone of voice asks you if you are a Cuban Dancer.
It crossed my mind, that it was some kind of a three letter agency handshake, and I was meant to reply with âThe wicker is in the shrubs againâ.
But I think it was just Ann Arbor, it si what crap education does to kids, they live in a strange world and ask strange questions.
I loved jogging across the Diag, looking into the library windows, of a school that I could even dream about affording, not to mention teaching in.
My favorite moment was, listening to Brysonâs âShort History Of Nearly Everythingâ...
And having the â#uck not another phylumâ part come up somewhere 2AM on state street.
It got me, I laughed so hard at that, that poor man.
And mind aside, after all the years of trying to jog, my body begun adapting, I looked at my legs ... and they were muscular.
And that, is how I reinvented bodybuilding, I thought about how those muscles grew, how fast, what they needed.
I thought about speed, weight, rhythm, focus, music, wrist weights, weight vest, leg weights, and dumbbells.
And begun jogging to a gym, where I would jog with their equipment, I gave my self superman shoulders.
Switched gym few times as I became poorer an poorer, and finally ended up working on my shoulders at the gym I am at.
And then, and I kid you not, some teenage girl, walked right in front of me, and ignoring me completelyâŚ
As if I was a fat balloon, did a yoga pose.
The worse possible kind of yoga pose, and I hopped out of the so quick, that sheâs probably giggling about it to this day.
"This is my spot now", eweweweewee. "Ok, just don't tell your dad I was working out here."
It was really weird, could have been a bet, thou I admit, I was just an invisible fat guy back then.
If I remained there for another billionth of a second until my eyes focused, the camera would have captured it and I would be paraded out of the gym.
And then her brother would come out of nowhere, and scare the crabapples out of me.
By which point, I'd probably agree it was all my fault.
On second thought, as I am somewhat of a deadpan expert my self, that was probably that young lady's comedy stick.
And watching me fly out of that room like a bat out of hell made her day - thanks as lot, litte lady, jeez.
So, I switched to a more portable and flexible method, because of some rebellious teenager, who stopped giving a crap.
And that is how I ended with dumbbells, which turned out not to be dumb at all.
I have been dancing with them for ages, but all it is is just jogging with my upper body.
Instead of pushing my full weight with my legs, I push as much weight as I can for three hours nearly nonstop with my arms.
And since my arms are connected to the rest of my body, and dancing demands twisting and turning.
Not only my shoulders, but my mid section and legs, get a workout too.
It may not seem like it, but dancing with dumbbells is a full body workout.
Eventually, as the dumbbells get heavier, they even begin building your chest â full body workout â I kid you not.
Iâll be adding a fourth hour to my workout, this winter.