236 Days Until Halloween

It was early 1990’s and I was looking for something interesting on TV, we had five and a half channels.

Two legitimate and so painfully boring, that if I had to watch them it felt like being at the dentist or even the damn church.

And e had three bootleg ones, RTL, Pro7, and Sky One, The British Sky Broadcasting Network, two german and one British.

We’d also pick up “Československá Televize Praha”, Chehoslovakian TV from Prague, but it was bad reception.

I think only one person ever watched it, as it gave him escape from his stupid-fathers beatings.

He just happened to be in my school group, and he once reported that he just watched Batman.

Where the line “I am Batman” was translates as, “Ja zem nietoperek”, and most people stopped tuning in after that.

Well, as I was flipping, through all the three interesting channels.

Featuring weather report for the White Cliffs of Dover, some kind of a Musketeer series where Hasselhoff is a sophisticated rich guy.

And Roseanne Barr sitting in John Goodman’s lap, dressed up as a fat boy popped up.

I was like “What the…” - and at this point I would have invented the F-word, if I didn’t know it already… (thanks Hollywood) - is going on?

I didn’t go to school that day, bullies were getting crafty, I just stopped going to school, only an idiot would go into that…

And so, I sat there quietly, alone, in a former communist country, that’s clearly stealing cable from near by more sane nations…

Transfixed by my favorite actress, that I knew from a movie called She Devil, being a weirdo.

Between all the different shows I watched, I pieced together that Americans have a day called Halloween.

We also had a scary day, but we just burned bad witches, made out of straw.

And I understood that Halloween as being extremely important, and that if I want to be a real American boy, I have to take it seriously.

After witnessing my bullies turn from friends to monsters, I taught myself how to be a warrior and a gentleman.

When I started working as a programmer in America, I carried a briefcase, and wore a black Blues Brothers suit.

The odds of me wearing short pants anywhere, were zero.

And if I had to dress for Halloween, I would have gone as one of the Blues Brothers.

It took decades of working on myself, to finally, to dress for Halloween.

Just several years ago, I went on the internet, and purchased the largest tail I could find.

And after couple more years, on Halloween, I put it on, and went to the gym.

Immediately some normal person, gave a “Are you kidding me” look.

To which I replied with, “would you like me to murder you” look.

And slowly, had a workout, some part of which was really close to a large gym trash can.

To hide my tail, even for a little bit, so that I could feel like a normal person.

And after twelve months, I did it again, and again.

And then I built a rig in a small jogger backpack, to make the tail stick out, and not just hang behind me.

And then I only waited eleven months, and three weeks,m figured, I might as well work out the whole week with a tail.

I was crossing the street, the mail man saw a somewhat fitfat person, and started thinking to him self, “I should probably sign up for the gym”.

And that is where my fluffy tail popped into the view, and I could hear him murmur “What the f**k?”

I think it is safe to say, he found a different gym.

And just a couple of years ago, I waited only eleven months, and finally, ten months and 29 days.

Here, finally, doing American Halloween justice.

And although late, becoming a real American boy.

Finally, I ask you to do the same, to begin dressing up a full month early prior to Halloween.

And then use your courage, to see how far back you can push that.

It does not matter, if you are in US or not.

We each have a spirit animal, and unless you already look like yours, you must honor it.

My spirit animal is the mixed breed House Cat, and I remind you Halloween is only 236 days, now is the time to shop for your tail.