Shopping Etiquette
The one thing about working out at the gym, that nobody readies you for.
Is that all your workout clothes will get worn out, in less than three monthsâŚ
And you will change shape, so that even your street clothes will need an update.
So here I am am, with a looming expedition, to find a shirt somewhere.
Reminiscing about all the times, when frankly, things gout out of hand.
As far as I can tell, I have no formal education, as far as proper shopping is concerned.
So, I just do my best, though secretly suspecting I am a feral shopper.
For one, I donât know if other people, return things when things get mixed up in their favor.
I am sure, it is the morally right thing to do, but, are people doing it? I just donât know.
Most recently, I gave the cashier three dollars, upon telling her that I received two extra spices.
It was a dollar too much, because I was thinking about a full refund, which would have been three dollars.
But she very energetically grabbed the money, and showed it in the register, and it was too late.
I started with two extra dollars, and now I was a dollar short.
Few months prior, after a beef jerky expedition, I discovered that I owned two colorful bottles of nail polish.
I remembered that the person ahead of me, was a heavy set woman in a wheelchair.
But, after an hour passed, what good would that do.
After a day or two, I returned them, and the cashier wanted to give me two dollars.
I said no, I am sure I didnât pay for them, the bag belonged to the lady ahead of me.
I spared the cashier the description of the woman, because even though it is morally right to return the itemsâŚ
I could tell the cashier was slightly pissed off, that I am bothering her with moral bullshit.
Couple of years before that, I was explaining to a young lady at a clothing store.
That there was a mistake of over 20 bucks, but I donât have the receipt.
And she looked at me, and I looked at her, and she limitedly asked âWas it in your favor?â
See, it took her a single glance, of actually looking at the damn customerâŚ
And not merely register her daily blur, of passing shoppers...
To immediately figure out, that it was moral bullshit again.
And she just turned away, cashed me out, and I was on my way.
She had nothing to add, and I was made to feel nothing but shame.
I donât save my receipts, but I think if I had the receipt, she would have though even less of me.
It wasnât my money, it is not fair to keep it.
It isnât, I am not that kind of person.
About a decade and half before that, there was another incident.
Which I am too ashamed to describe in any detail, but I wanted to do the right thing without a question, immediately.
I was told not to, and quickly farried away from the store. it was also about $20 dollars, but it was all my horrible faultâŚ.
Because coughing up money on a new laptop, made me nervous - and evidently brainless.
I must interject here my favorite story, from maybe a decade and half ago. where I for one, didnât start the event.
I was just buying a singe tub of ice cream, hoping to stay under the radar, and get on with my day.
And the heavy set woman at the register, snapped me out of my get on with the day hypnosis.
By asking me âDo you want a paper bag so that the ice cream, doesnât met in my hot little hands?â
I looked at her, and blinked, while trying to figure out if I was in some kind of a danger.
She was of the age, where her own children probably already had teenagers, and there she was, a serious and mature woman, with a proper family.
Up to something⌠bless her heart.
But this isnât the shopping trouble that I want to curse my self with, by sharing with the world.
The event that was on my mind, actually ended in a perfect stunned silence.
Being a feral shopper, as I am, and slowly becoming well proportioned from my workouts.
I developed a tendency to search for, clothes that fit me well.
I donât like items of clothing that seem too large, I like a snug fit.
I am ashamed to admit, that somehow, I made the discovery that in AmericaâŚ
There is in fact a second isle with well fitting, clothes for men.
And that is the fat kids isle, which often has loose fitting clothes for obese children.
Which I kid you not, are not only colorful, but perfect for body builders.
For some reason, loose fitting clothes, are cut in such a way that the shoulder and upper arm area is exaggerated.
This means that a fat kid jacket, will fit my large shoulders snugly, and being child sized, not seem baggy at all.
Plus the added bonus, of fancy colors, that you canât find in the adult section.
My favorite autumn jackets, is from a kids isle, and though my shoulders grew in last couple of years.
It still fits me perfectly, I mean like perfectly, color wise it is also non symmetricalâŚ
It has a huge green triangular motif, pointy on the left side, and covering my arm on the right.
If it wasnât for the âFat Cub Scout Camp â Fat 12 Year Old Uniteâ shoulder patch, it would seem like I bout the thing in Paris.
Now, what I didnât realize, what didnât occur to me, being the kind of a shopper that I am.
Is that trying on kids clothes, will get you noticed by the people that work there.
They probably donât know that fat kids clothes, fit men with large shoulders really well.
So I grabbed some stuff to try on in-front of a mirror, and proudly walked int the changing to see what I look like in a mirror.
I usually program all day, and shop late, so it was closing hour.
And the young ladies that worked there, walked by the changing area asking if anybody needed help.
I am assuming, they were just checking, how many people were using changing rooms.
But to me it was a weird question, so I jokingly replied:
âI am glad you are asking, because I was trying on some ridiculously tight jackets, worried that Iâd get stuck.â.
And you know what she said: nothing, the area went from cheerful and energetic, to emptiness and silence.
As she tried not to laugh out loud at, at the guy that was in the fat kids section earlier.
I only tried to make a little joke, but got the sense that a bigger one was already at play.
I havenât been to the fat kids section, since, but I still think it is a great idea.
Though not as great as how I am able to reliably find bodybuilder shirts, a story that is growing more embarrassing by the year.
And eventually is sure to wake me up at 3:30AM, wishing I was a more serious person.
I looked everywhere for decent sleeveless workout shirts, that donât have that wheat bag feel to them, and they were nowhere to be found.
I started getting the distinct impression that 1990s, and the age of WWF, Commando and Rambo was over, and people were T-shirts now.
Until I discovered, that all the sleeveless shirts were simply moved, to the women's section.
Where, I found myself uneasily browsing, and occasionally stretching a poor shirt before I could eyeball the size.
This is where a young woman, wearing enough make up, to put Cleopatra to shame jumped out of the bra section behind meâŚ
And gave me - a rather shy person, a much deserved accusing look.
There being no time to explain what I am up to, I figured I should just get going.
But just to be nice, I tried to make a joke right as I was turning to leave.
And this; is where I discovered, that when I get nervous, I begin speaking in something reminiscent of southern accent.
I hurriedly blurted out, âI am just not that kind of maAanâ, and have since been purchasing all my workout shirts... from the internet.