Breaking: Michigan Government Rules Against Use Of Vehicles When Commuting To The Gym

The Governor’s Office of Michigan has issued a ruling prohibiting the use of vehicles for commuting to wellness facilities, such as gyms. This ruling, dubbed "Burn Fat Not Fossil Fuel," was unanimously passed without any objections.

In response to the new law, which carries with it a felony charge for those found in violation, a protest was held by the local police union.

They argued that the law violated the constitutional rights of larger individuals, such as pregnant women and similarly shaped men. However, the Governor’s Office contested that the concerns were only voiced by officers not being able to get to the gym, in order to sit around around pretending to some work.

In a show of solidarity, the Michigan Marine Core and the local militia composed a marching chant to commemorate the new ruling. We provide it here in full.

Right, Left, Left Left, We don't know, right from left.

Four, three, two one, We don't need no cars no more.

Our bodies are large and strong, and jog to the gym; ain't that long.

We'll leave the wheels right behind And walk to the gym cause we don't mind.

Left, Right, Left Left, We now know, right from left.

One two three four, We don't need no gas no more.

We're on mission, to stay in shape, Abandon the cars, and walk the miles.

We'll find the gym, and never slack, We'll hit the floor, and ignore the door.

Left, Left, Right Left, Driving to gym is straight up up theft.

Four, three, two one, gonna have a lot of fun.

Burn fat, not fossil fuel, don't be a goddamn tool.

Walk to the gym, with strength and zeal, Getting fit is a big deal.

Left, Left, Left Right, You're a fatty but that's all right.

One two three four, gonna feel plenty sore.

Workout's always worth the toil, Getting fit is the goal.

Gonna power walk with your will, No more gas, no more bill!

Left, Left, Left, Left, gonna lose all that heft.

Four, three, two one, being a heifer ain't no fun.

A healthy body, a healthy mind, gonna give you a small behind.

Go, go, go go, don't be a piece of dough.

We must all walk to the gym, So leave the cars and join in.

Say goodbye to your car, the gym's not event that far.